Looking Back
by Voyfemme
Summary: Inspired by the events that occurred when Voyager encounters is Chronokenitic surge, Chakotay talks to Janeway about the differences in their relationship currently and seven years ago. JCThis installment takes place at the end of Shattered.
1. Chapter 1

**Part 23: Looking Back**

_Summary_:

Inspired by the events that occurred when Voyager encounters is Chrono-kenitic surge, Chakotay talks to Janeway about the differences in their relationship currently and seven years ago. (J/C)

_Pairing:_J/C _Rating_: PG-13 _Type of Story:_ Drama_ Level_: 1

* * *

**Part 23: Looking Back**

**_Then:_**

"Mind if I ask you one last question?" Kathryn almost batted her eyes at him.

"Will I have to break the Temporal Prime Directive to answer it?" Chakotay shot back at her.

"Maybe. Just a little. For two people who started off as enemies, it seems we get to know each other pretty well. I've been wondering--just how close do we get?" Kathryn was almost demure in her asking.

Damn. Of all the questions to ask, why did she have to ask that one? How should he answer it?

With the truth: _Let's just say, we don't cross certain barriers, we transcend them._

With a lie: _We're good colleagues and we work well together._

Maybe with something between the two:

"Let's just say...there are barriers we never cross."

It was easier with that final answer, because like everything else that transpired in this crazy experience, it was a snapshot of what the future actually had in store for them. In the same way, that statement was the snapshot of the truth that he judged her able to handle at the time. He didn't want to take the risk of being misinterpreted and changing the relationship that they actually had in the future. He wanted it as is, warts and all, because that's what worked.

She held out her hand to shake it and the look was there again. Throughout his entire time in the past, it was a look that he realized that she used when she was flirting with him. How different it would have been if she had actually flirted with him from the first time that they started working together? Would it have been better or worse?

"See you in the future," she told him.

A future that was built on the sure foundation that their uncrossed barriers had provided.

* * *

**_Now:_**

The thoughts of what could have been still filled his mind as he went to the bridge.

_Better or worse?_

"Do you mind telling me why B'Elanna burned out the deflector dish?" Kathryn demanded, turning towards him from her Command Chair

"Actually...I ordered her to do it." Chakotay's eyes danced as he said that.

"Why?" Kathryn was as always, Kathryn

"Trust me; it was better than the alternative." Chakotay said definitively.

"Which was _what_, exactly?" This was the Captain that he had expected to find on the bridge, when he first walked to it when he left Sickbay.

"I can't tell you." He couldn't resist teasing her.

"Why not!" She demanded.

"The Temporal Prime Directive." His eyes were filled with mischief as he saw the puzzled look on her face and the enquiring mind at work. He knew that it didn't mater what may or may not have been in the past, this is what their friendship and their relationship had evolved into, and he treasured it immensely

And though she wished that she could pry it out of him, she trusted him enough to know that if it could possibly affect Voyager in the future for the worst, he would have told her. That is what their uncrossed barriers had built. A solid foundation of trust.

"B'Elanna's already got a team working on repairs. What do you say we finish our dinner?" He stretched his hand out to her and she allowed him to guide him off her chair. She didn't say anything as he led her off of the Bridge. While they were in the corridor, she told him.

"My replicator is still in pieces."

"Mine's not"

"You're not going to tell me what this is about are you?" She was still taking shots at him, wanting to know all things that were happening around her, especially when it came to the safety of her ship and its crew.

"No." She was quiet after that, and she let it go. But Chakotay knew her well enough to hear the "for now" part of her thought that accompanied her acceptance. He was also quiet also on their way to his quarters because he was thinking of things that were in Then which reflected what had occurred between them in the distance past

_If only she knew.

* * *

_

**_Then:_**

When he stepped on the bridge for the first time, the thing that alerted him to the wrongness of the scene before him the most was her hair. It was true that he noticed that most of the people on the bridge were unfamiliar to him, but it did not startle him as much as when she came out from the command center to face him on the bridge. When had she found time to fix her hair in that manner during a crisis and why? When she ordered him to be taken into custody, he was more hurt than confused although his confusion grew at the response of his utterance of her name.

"Kathryn?"

He had called out to her as his best friend. But with her snide remark, he began to realize that something was very wrong with the time period on the bridge and it wasn't the same as the one in sickbay. When he realized _when_ he was, it took a lot to make the backwards mental shift to relate to her not as his best friend, nor as a friend, not even as his Captain, nor as an acquaintance but has his enemy, and he made mistakes. As a result of that he ended up being escorted to the Brig.

* * *

**_Now:_**

"So what are we having for dinner? Another Janeway original?"

"No I decided to go with something simpler. I though it might be a welcome change for us tonight, especially after what just happened." She looked at him directly in the second that it took for the replicator to produce the meal. She was fishing.

_Indeed, _was the only thought from him that she caught as he himself slipped backwards…..

* * *

**_Then:_**

When he made the decision to go to Engineering he realized that it would probably be in a different time frame than both Sickbay and the Bridge, but he had no idea that the scenario that met there. Seska, though ,seemed more than ready to deal with him showing up unexpectedly. As he recovered from the sharp blow she gave him, he made another mistake. Thankfully, she like Kathryn seemed to be bent on her own agenda and she overlooked it. At least he hoped that she had. In a way it was her inability to see outside of what she wanted, that made Seska a lot like Kathryn. But as he stood over her, watching his former Bajoran lover who was actually a Cardassian agent frantically looking for him, he knew how different she and Kathryn were and wondered how in the world he ended up in a relationship with the wrong woman. Maybe for the same reason he hadn't been in a relationship with the right one. Nothing in his life was ever simple, which was ironic, as most of his desires were.

* * *

**_Now:_**

"So do you like it?" She looked at him expectantly as he took his first bit of dinner.

"It's good." He didn't lie to her.

"I'm glad that at least one of my meals did not make you feel the need to alert sickbay."

"I'm not here for the food." He said mysteriously.

Kathryn, believing that she could finally find out what had actually occurred earlier that evening asked.

"Oh? So why are you here?"

"I'm here for the company." He said plainly, but something in the way he said it caught Kathryn's attention.

"You could choose to be with someone else for that."

"Given a choice Kathryn, tonight I'd choose you."

_Again……_Silent thought , so that she would not hear.

* * *

**_Then:_**

He chose the Captain. It was much better than the alternative that he knew of. This time he was ready for her, and he was able to at least convince her that he had found out certain things about her because he was from some time in her future. Things that it seemed at one time she would have never told anyone. But he remembered what she was like back then. She trusted no one and kept either Tuvok's counsel or her own, and even when she had agreed to work with him, she kept him out of the loop. He had a feeling what the outcome would be if he tried to talk to her, but he had to give her a chance to trust him and he hoped that bringing her evidence of his story would have helped. But it didn't. He thought that she would have realized something of the nature of their future relationship in the way he spoke and make a leap of faith then and there. But as he would reflect on later, trust really needed experience to build on. There wasn't any trust between them before she met him and had a chance to work with him, so she took no chances. As a result when he saw an opening, he took it.

He hated having to force her hand by inoculating her against her will, but he was left with little choice. It was only then she began to believe in what he had told her. And even when he proved that he was telling the truth, she still didn't want his help and wanted to put the ship back together again under her own power, but he knew that would never work because he had an idea of the way she was before she began her fateful journey through the quadrant. There were certain things that she would see of the future that would side track her. He couldn't take the chance. So he convinced her of the wisdom of going together.

But just barely. He could tell that she didn't believe him when he told her that they would be working closely together and he would be her First Officer, but she didn't have to, all she had to do was agree to work with him now. It struck him though; she was the one who had invited him to do just that when they destroyed the Caretaker's array and his ship to defend against the Kazon. What happened in that one day when they worked together that she came to trust a little to ask him to join her instead of he and his crew cooling their heels in the Brig? Was it because of his sacrifice? Or was it because she just needed replacement bodies and any bodies would do, including the bodies of an enemy and his crew?

* * *

**_Now:_**

"You said that Naomi and Icheb were working on a puzzle when you saw them in the Cargo Bay. I wouldn't think that Icheb would be working on something like that." Kathryn said at one point in their meal.

"It was a puzzle of DNA helix." Chakotay told her what he had observed.

"Does Icheb know the meaning of fun? It's an ingenious way of teaching Naomi, I'll grant you, but shouldn't their lessons be done for the day?"

Chakotay chuckled at that. "Don't forget who's in charge of them. That might be Seven's idea of fun."

"Well I'm sure that my future Captain's Assistant would have found a way to make it fun. You know, I felt so sorry for Naomi being born out here, but she seems to have turned out alright, in fact that she likes it so much she plans to grow up to be Captain, that's why she created the Captain's Assistant job in the first place."

"She told you that?" Chakotay asked.

"Once a long time ago."

_Well she was certainly on her way. _Again the silent thoughts drew him back.

* * *

**_Then:_**

"When I was little, there was nothing I wanted more than to be the Assistant Captain." Neomi told Kathryn.

And from Chakotay's perspective she was well on her way of doing that in his distant past, and judging from what he was seeing in this time frame, she did a pretty good job of it.

He wished that he could find out what happened seventeen years ago, but the wisdom of the Temporal Prime Directive came back to him. That and he didn't want to know how he failed in not protecting the Captain all those years ago. "We should get moving." He countered.

"Commander?" Icheb called him back. "In case you were wondering...I never told Neelix where you hid that cider."

Chakotay gave a large smile and wished dearly that he could impart on Kathryn the impact that they had made on these two children's lives. Maybe their responses gave her a clue, or if not, the way they were able to give them a piece of the puzzle so that they could make Voyager whole again, was an indication of what kind of team they would become in the future. It certainly was to him.

* * *

**_Now:_**

"Actually it was Icheb's idea and he made me promise not to tell Seven. He's supposed to be working on a paper himself for her on transwarp field instabilities."

"Now that sounds like the Seven we know and love."

_It did indeed. _Was the silent thought that came to him that time.

* * *

**_Then:_**

"Captain Janeway, meet Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero One."

He tried to keep the anger out of his look, but seeing Seven as a drone still made his voice deepen and his expression go blank on his face. It was during this time, more than any other that he and the Captain struggled with trust between them. And Seven of Nine was the main reason that they did so. It was because of what the Collective had done with Species 8472, and what they were about to attempt with Voyager that formed the first and one of the largest rift between he and the Captain. And as she and Seven began formulating a plan to get Voyager back in temporal sync, he took time to really study Seven of Nine realizing that he was glad he no longer knew this malevolent drone, that the Seven from his time frame had grown to be so much more than this aberration that was before him. He didn't think it was possible, he was adamant, and had been dead set against keeping her onboard, but the work that Kathryn had done and what she was able to accomplish with Seven had changed his mind. She was a valued member of their crew and he knew that it was only the Captain, only what this woman who was helping him would become, could be able to achieve that.

* * *

**_Now:_**

"By the way did you ever finish the book that I leant you?" Kathryn watched Chakotay as she took a sip of her beverage.

"Actually, I still have a little more to go." He replied.

"Let me know when you have, I want to lend it to Seven."

"She's taking up an interest in reading from the printed page? I thought that she would believe it was an inefficient activity."

Kathryn laughed. "She does. I'm trying to convince her that there is something to be said for curling up with a good book."

"Careful, she might take you literally." He chuckled at the mental image for a while and then said,

"I'd thought you'd want to start her off with Dante's Inferno?" He had to know.

"That's a bit heavy for her first experience, don't you think and besides, she should use her own rations for replicating that."

"You won't lend her your copy."

"No, I don't lend that out to just anyone."

"You lent it out to me."

"As I said, I don't lend it out to just anyone." Kathryn didn't catch her self in time as she felt her facial muscles changing.

Wait a minute, was that the look? Nah, it was just his overactive imagination. It must have been fresh in his mind that's why he saw it. Her face looked the same as it always did when she continued eating. She dropped the subject and he did the same.

* * *

**_Then:_**

"In the middle of the journey of our life, I found myself astray in a dark wood, where the straight road had been lost," he quoted.

"I didn't know Dante's _Inferno_ was on the Maquis reading list," She responded puzzled and from what he could see she was also a little impressed.

"Actually, I borrowed your copy."

"My fiancée gave me that book as an engagement gift. I've never lent it to anyone."

"Not yet. Anyway, I agree with Dante. If you always see the road ahead of you, it's not worth the trip."

"A soldier _and_ a philosopher. Your intelligence file doesn't do you justice."

And she had given him that look, and he knew that he shouldn't have, but he did enjoy it for a little while before he willed his thoughts back to what they were doing.

* * *

**_Now:_**

"Before I forget tomorrow, B'Elanna wanted me to run through the upgrades that she made to the Doctor's program in order to activate the ECH, the Emergency Command Hologram, tell her she can come in at anytime."

Chakotay looked at her in shock. "You're really going to do it."

"I said I'd look into it and B'Elanna has given me something viable to work with, so why not?"

He shook his head in disbelief. "I just didn't think that you would actually do it."

Kathryn rolled her eyes, "I don't think I would have heard the end of it from the Doctor if I didn't and it does make good sense. There are occasions when a non-organic life form would be needed to assume command the ship. Some alien could play with our minds, but not be able to directly affect the computer for instance, or, there could be an outbreak of a disease that incapacitates the crew. And then there's the fact that the Doctor has been itching to continue growing and learning and I want to give him that chance."

"What?" Kathryn saw Chakotay smiling at her.

"Just a thought. When he was first activated, did you ever think in your wildest dreams that you would ever be contemplating this?"

"No, I was contemplating programming him with a new personality. It was at the bottom of my list of things to do in a lull." Kathryn smiled at the memory. "Well by the time we hit one of those, the Doctor was a firm member of my crew, I couldn't just alter him because I didn't like his mannerisms. And then given enough time, he altered himself and learnt how to deal with people a lot better than he was programmed to, so there was no need to. He has really come a long way." Kathryn finished.

_He had indeed. _Chakotay took another sip of his beverage.

* * *

**_Then:_**

"I've replicated these belts to resist the effects of the temporal barriers just like the hyposprays." The Doctor said as Kathryn and Chakotay suited up

"I didn't realize you were programmed to be so versatile!" Kathryn said in amazement.

"I wasn't. But when you're thrown into the deep end of the galaxy and left running for as long as I've been, it helps to develop a few extra subroutines."

"How long _have_ you been running?" Kathryn's curiosity got the better of her.

"Almost three years...ever since our original doctor was killed."

"Killed? How?" She demanded.

"In the incident that stranded us here in the Delta--" The Doctor began.

Chakotay had just come round the corner at that point and when he realized the faux pas that The Doctor was about to make, he stopped him.

"Doctor!" He called in warning, "The Temporal Prime Directive, remember?"

"Of course, I'm sorry." And he made his escape.

He had been so close in dissuading the Captain from finding out more about the future, but he knew that Kathryn being armed with the knowledge of the death of her crewman, he was fighting a losing battle.

"The Delta _Quadrant_? Is that what he was about to say?"

He didn't answer, because he wasn't going there. He knew that it would be the fastest way to de-rail her from what she needed to do. She suggested that they split up, but something in his gut was telling him that was a bad idea, especially since she didn't know what to expect. Even though Astrometrics had thrown him for a loop he had seven years of history on her so he was better equipped to deal with what they would encounter.

He also told her that they had no way of communicating if they ran into trouble when separated, what he _didn't_ tell her was that he was looking at her become more and more agitated and he knew the moment when she would want to change history was fast approaching. He hoped that he was wrong in that assumption, but there was something in the way that she kept demanding answers that made him realize that she didn't like what she was seeing and the snapshots were not living up to what she had expected for herself and for her crew. And when Kathryn was running on disappointment, she was the most dangerous.

His feelings were crystallized when she asked him about how they ended up stranded in the Delta Quadrant and he thanked the Spirits when the Macrovirus interrupted them so that he wouldn't have to answer. But there was one good thing through all of it. She was beginning to trust him more and more as they journeyed through this crazy experience demonstrated by the fact she had finally called him by his rank.

* * *

**_Now:_**

Speaking of B'Elanna reminded Chakotay of something.

"B'Elanna's birthday is next week and Tom wanted to know if it was OK to have a small birthday party for her in the Holodeck. He wanted to run a special program and invite a few of her closest friends from Engineering and he asked permission for the relief engineering shift to take the watch while the rest of engineering be allowed to attend." They had finished dinner and moved onto desert.

"Permission granted. I wonder how old the lieutenant is?" Kathryn mused.

"Tom told me that she said, and I quote, she would 'tear him from limb to limb and beam his remains into space while he was still breathing', if he told anyone the answer to that question." Chakotay said in response.

Kathryn chuckled. "I don't mind being there to see that if he makes an accidental slip at the party. As long as I don't have to be Queen Arachnia in that stupid Captain Proton Holonovel, I'll make sure and stop in."

Chakotay laughed aloud at that. "What's so funny?" She demanded.

"Nothing," he said as he sobered up. "It just seems like he doesn't have sophisticated tastes." He had to throw that in because it was uncanny how they both ended up at the same place even though she didn't remember what had happened.

"Well, that's why we like having him around." Kathryn didn't know why this sent him into peals of laughter.

She eyed him with a bemused look on her face. He chose his next words carefully.

"At least we know now that she's joking, I imagine when she first came on board, she would have really made good on her threat had he embarrassed her by throwing a party in her honor."

"B'Elanna was very angry when she first came on board wasn't she?" Kathryn asked. Chakotay didn't answer and tried to mask it by taking a sip of his ale at that very moment. He forgot who he was dealing with. "Don't worry I know that most of it was directed at me, for stranding her here."

_If there's one thing that has always been true of you Kathryn, it is that you have at all times been perceptive. _He had to lower his head at that thought, she was looking directly at him.

* * *

**_Then:_**

"What the HELL is going on! And what are doing in that uniform?" His former Engineer on the Liberty demanded.

He had forgotten how angry B'Elanna had been when she realized what the Captain had done stranding them in the Delta Quadrant. She had changed so much over the years that seeing her like this gave him great pause. The same could be said for Ayala. Ayala had always been quiet, but while the Ayala seven years into the future projected dependability, here he projected fury and joined with B'Elanna's and the other Maquis, Chakotay felt as though he had been hit with a physical blow. When he finally recovered he said.

"It's a little complicated,"

"I'm not going anywhere." She glared at the Captain making it quite clear to everyone why she felt the way that she did.

The captain remained quiet letting him handle the whole situation. He knew it was partly because she didn't know any of the people in the room, but also because she had realized that all of the anger in the room was directed at her, and she had no idea why.

"Voyager's had an encounter with an anomaly. It's fractured the ship into different time periods."

"We're trying to undo the damage," Now that she had recovered a bit, Kathryn spoke to give him support in what he was saying. "But we need access to that panel."

"First she destroys our only way out of the Delta Quadrant, and now you're _collaborating_ with her?"

_Damn_. Of all the things she had to say, why did it have to be that? He couldn't act on the information right now, but he knew that the moment that he was dreading was almost here and with that statement, there would be no avoiding it.

But first things, first. They had work to do. "Try to understand, I'm from a time period in your future... when _all_ of us will be working _together_."

"That's pretty hard to believe," B'Elanna did not give an inch.

"B'Elanna...I've _never_ lied to you before. And I'm not lying now." He drew his last card, and it played on the thing that had never changed between them, born when they were in the Maquis and cemented on this journey through the Delta Quadrant. Her trust in him as her Commander.

She stepped aside, but he knew that it did not stop her from glaring at the Captain and even though he had not turned around, he knew was that Kathryn did not miss it.

* * *

**_Now:_**

"She's changed a lot since she's been here." Kathryn commented and fell silent as she watched Chakotay finishing his meal.

"Yes she has." Was all he said, still looking back and Kathryn noticed it.

"You're still not going to tell me what happened are you?" She said out of the blue.

He snorted. Thankfully she had made the comment when he finished eating.

"That will never change about you will it Kathryn?"

"What?" she asked innocently.

As if she didn't know. "You're insatiable curiosity."

"Should it?" Kathryn asked amused.

* * *

_**Then:**_

"That woman blamed me for stranding Voyager in the Delta Quadrant." Kathryn's voice was rushed and insistent.

"She was angry." Chakotay spoke calmly, hoping against hope that it would dissuade her line of questioning, of reasoning and the decision that she seemed bent on making.

"But was she right?"

"You had good reasons for doing what you did."

The moment was now here.

"_What_ reasons?"

"You were trying to save lives."

"Whose?"

"An alien culture. The Ocampa."

"In other words, I'm going to choose to help _strangers_ at the expense of our own people!"

**_Our own people._** She had admitted it, they were in it together.

"It isn't like you to second-guess yourself."

"In this case, I'm second-guessing a decision I haven't made yet."

Which was the main reason why he didn't want to tell her what had happened.

* * *

**_Now:_**

_But even so, Kathryn was Kathryn_, he thought to himself.

He had been given the opportunity to change her and he turned it down, not wanting to sacrifice one thing and not wanting to end up throwing out all the good with the bad. One wrong word and who knows what could happen in the future, even if she did forget what she had said. He wasn't going to risk the most important relationship right now in his life on a technicality, he didn't know why he knew that it was possible, but he did.

"No Kathryn, that should never change." He finally answered.

Kathryn got a funny look on her face as she stared at Chakotay, but he didn't say a word as he continued to eat.


	2. Chapter 2

**_After:_**

"Forget particle fountains and subspace inversions. There isn't an anomaly scarier than a thunderstorm on the plains, especially when you're six years old. I remember watching a bolt of lightning split an oak tree in my grandfather's yard. I climbed it just a few hours before!"

If he had to say anything, it would be that these were the moments over the years, in which he got to know that formidable woman who he met for the first time today. It's a good thing they had them because he didn't think that she would have ever put her doubts aside, if he didn't demonstrate how well he knew her. The only way that he could have done that, was if he had interacted with her as frequently and as intimately as Captain and First Officer and as friends. Moments like these defined and built their friendship into what it was and enhanced their working relationship. As he had that thought, he resolved then and there to stop slipping off into the past or the future and enjoy this _present_ evening with her, he resolved to no longer let this moment slip away from him because _he_ wasn't fully present to her.

"Good timing." He said rooting himself firmly with her in this present state.

"So...what would've happened if you hadn't turned our deflector dish into a lightning rod?"

Chakotay smiled. She wouldn't be Kathryn Janeway if she didn't keep trying. "We've been down this road before."

"Have we?"

"You, wanting answers to questions you shouldn't ask."

"But something _did_ happen outside the normal space-time continuum." She continued prying, but he was silent.

Kathryn reflected a bit "It's strange thinking there's a piece of your life you don't know anything about."

"Sounds a lot like the future." Just to put it into perspective for her.

"Any predictions?"

He refilled her cider glass "Only that in a few minutes, this bottle will be empty."

Her look was one of someone who had a secret they were dying to share. "Then maybe you should go to the Cargo Bay and grab another one."

He looked at her dumbfounded "How do you know that's where I keep it?"

Kathryn decided that turnabout was fair play "Oh, I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Temporal Prime Directive."

And she laughed, it was joyous and carefree and his smile was large. Neither one missed it. He got up.

"I'll get the other bottle."

"I'll be here waiting."

And he was off.

* * *

It bothered her that he wouldn't tell her what had happened, she couldn't say anything else or it would be a lie. It bothered her that he wouldn't talk about what had happened that night. She knew that rightfully he shouldn't tell her, but she wanted to know, especially since he kept piquing her curiosity throughout the whole of dinner. Didn't he realize how perceptive she was? All during dinner, he kept talking about the crew, especially the senior officers and how much they had changed throughout the whole journey. He had been in Voyager's past and she knew it by his words and actions. He thought he was carefully hiding the truth, but all he was doing was revealing it. Did he forget that she was his best friend; that they had been through so much together that she could practically read him like a book, and in the same way so could he?

_And that's why you have to be careful._

Extremely so. She couldn't run from the truth anymore and it was all she could do to hide it, but she had fallen in love with him all over again. Whatever happened to the resolve that she had in their third and fourth year they were stranded in the Delta Quadrant? What happened to those barriers that she had built so strong that they withstood anything that the quadrant and they themselves had thrown at it? The barriers of command and of protocols that saw all the pit falls of getting involved with a member of her crew even though she was far away from Starfleet, and especially because of it?

_This crazy mission that's what_. She thought that she was as close as she would ever be to her crew members, her senior staff and to him, but as time went on, she found herself getting closer and she knew in her heart of hears, that it was time to start defining parameters for herself. She was not a silly school girl, she and Chakotay spent a lot of time together and they depended on each other, they were all that they had out here, so it made sense that the feelings would rear their ugly head again. What was _not_ making sense was her refusal to define those parameters and the fact that she kept sabotaging that process by saying things to him. The words just seemed to come right out of her mouth. Thank God that in this area, the Commander was not picking up any clues. Kathryn had no idea why. He always seemed to pick it up before. Maybe there was somebody else. But Kathryn didn't think so, and she also believed that he wouldn't want to get involved with someone who was underneath him also, especially after Seska. Maybe he was deliberately misreading her signals because he was not interested and didn't want to find himself in a sticky situation. Or maybe he was just clueless, and if that was the case, then it was best that Kathryn didn't enlighten him, deal with this herself, and move on.

But she didn't want to.

The doors opened.

* * *

"Back so soon."

"Didn't want you to finish off the remainder in that bottle." He replied.

She held up the empty bottle and grinned. "Too late."

He smiled as he opened the new one and poured himself a glass. He seemed to be debating something.

Kathryn could stand it no longer. "You went back into Voyager's past didn't you?"

He face was the picture of shock and surprise. He didn't even bother to deny it. "How did you know?"

"You been talking about it and thinking about it all night. In a way that I wasn't supposed to pick up on of course, but you didn't account for…."

"Your insatiable curiosity?." He finished for her.

She smiled and wagged her finger at him as if to caution him. "No, Commander, our friendship."

She was silent as she took a sip of her beverage, while he looked at her and then past her, and back to her again.

"It seems that I'm always underestimating how well you know me." He said quietly.

She wished that she could say the same, but given the fact that he seemed oblivious of her feelings towards him, she was glad that all she could do at that moment was keep quiet.

He sighed as he studied her. "Kathryn why did you ask me to join you seven years ago, why not just put all of us in the Brig for the rest of the journey."

Her face was neutral as she replied. "I needed replacement crew. You know the encounter with the highest fatality in this whole quadrant occurred when the caretaker brought us halfway across the galaxy in the blink of an eye. And I guess that it was better to put you to work for your supper than for you to be a drain on the ship's resources."

There was no laughter between them, not even the hint of a smile. It was as if they both felt the weight of the weight of conversation that was before them, but they each assumed the ensuing conversation would be grave for different reasons.

Chakotay assumed it was because Kathryn sensed that he was going to ask her something about Voyager's past experiences that had always bothered him and something that he had always wanted to know about. Being back in Voyager's past and seeing how they were then and now, he felt that they had come to a place where they trusted and respected each other enough to answer the questions truthfully about merging the crews and not worry about repercussions.

Kathryn was somber because she knew what she had been thinking about before was affecting everything that she was saying.. She was hoping desperately to keep her feelings out of this serious conversation. She thought it was because of the fact that Chakotay had gone to Voyager's past, he was thinking of how they were before and why she had made the decisions that she did in the past about not initiating an intimate relationship between them. She thought that he wanted to better understand her motivations for upholding that particular protocol.

They both misread each other.

Kathryn continued. "But looking back, I think that there was always something in you that I trusted from the moment I first met you."

Chakotay looked at her puzzled. He hadn't expected to hear that.

"What was it?"

"Little things," Kathryn said taking a sip of her ale, she looked past Chakotay and fixed her gaze on the table in front of her.

"The way you handled yourself when you realized that Tuvok was a spy and the way you gave up everything so that we could be safe, even your ship. What made you do that?" Kathryn shifted her gaze back to him.

"I don't know. You told me to hold them off, and so I did, to the best of my ability."

"It seemed that you have always given me your best for as long as we've been together."

"Yes I have." Chakotay said it softly as he realized that she was speaking truth.

"It's ironic, that it still was one of our biggest barriers to cross during the development of this friendship; our trusting of each other."

"The building blocks were there, we just had to redo the foundation a couple of times." His eyes twinkled and there was a small smile on his part. It lightened up the mood just enough for her to relax a bit. So she was totally unprepared when he asked his next question.

"Kathryn, do you remember when we were on New Earth and we had developed feelings for each other and when we came back we decided that it was best for Command that we remain friends, have you ever thought of what might have been?"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMTM

Explosions from Borg attacks through penetrated shields have had less of an effect than his question had on Kathryn right now. It took everything Kathryn had, _everything _to keep the shock, confusion and truth most of all off her face, because she knew once he saw it, everything would be in a state of flux and she knew that she was not ready to face this with him yet, not by a long shot.

Chakotay gauged the reaction on Kathryn's face and he saw her go blank, but she neither ran from the question nor from him when he had asked her. And she seemed to be thinking seriously about it right now.

Kathryn on the other hand felt she deserved a medal for keeping her command face on when he uttered that question.

How the _hell_ was she supposed to answer that?

With the truth: _I never wondered before this year, and now I can't stop wondering, and right here and right now, the way we are, talking laughing, missing each other, I'm beginning to regret not saying to hell with it. And I know without a doubt tomorrow it will be the other way around._

With a lie: _No, I have never thought about it._

Maybe with something in-between:

"It's come to my mind once or twice, but Chakotay given what we are and who we are right now, I wouldn't trade this friendship or my best friend for anything."

Chakotay had been sitting on the lounger, but he got up and sat on the table and he took her hand and looked into her eyes. Kathryn was going for another award with the performance that she was giving when he did that.

"Neither would I, and that's why I don't want to take the chance and jeopardize the past that has made us who we are by telling you something that you really shouldn't know. But if you were able to go back to the past and change that and possibly do it over again knowing what you know now, would you have initiated something?"

_What the hell was wrong with this man? _

Maybe she should insist that he go down to sickbay. How in the name of common sense was she going to answer _that_ one?

Kathryn was a woman of science and principles, not one who believed in deities, but given what she was confronted with now, she began praying…………….to anyone and _anything_ that would listen to get her through this.

"Chakotay, what happened to you in the past, and I don't mean the actual experience, that is making you ask these questions?"

Chakotay let her hand go and leaned back on his hands. He was pensive and it took the focus off of Kathryn for a while.

_Thank you_. She said to………………..whoever

"I guess I'm just reveling in the fact that as my Captain and my best friend, I can ask you these questions and not worry about hurting you with an honest answer. The past is behind us now, but it has shaped the future, and I guess I just I'm trying to understand it a little better so that I don't lose the friendship that we have here."

"That's my line." This time Kathryn smiled as the pain lessoned, because no matter what, that was one of the reasons that even if they weren't stuck on the only Federation ship in the Delta Quadrant, she would think twice about initiating a relationship with him,….she didn't want to lose the friendship.

"_I'm_ the one who normally is looking to analyze something to death instead of just accepting it. And _you're_ the one who always reminds me to look at everything as gift and to live life giving thanks for the fact that it is there and I have grown from that gift that is our friendship."

Chakotay looked down and blushed at that. And suddenly he looked up.

"I know that it has been hard on you, losing Mark because of this journey and I know that the 'Command Protocol' has made for some long nights in the Delta Quadrant."

_Oh Lord, will he ever stop!_

He did not. "I know that when I told you the story of the Angry Warrior, it was with a promise that however things evolved between us romantically, I would always be with you. I want you to know that it still stands even though I know there are no romantic feelings between us anymore. …."

_Don't hit him, whatever you do NOT HIT HIM, although you dearly want to slap him upside the head._

"Whatever I can do to make your burden lighter….." He continued.

"You have already done, are doing and will continue to do." She answered for him

_Except stop killing me softly with your words._ She added silently.

His smile was large and Kathryn let out a deep breath, some how she knew the worst was over.

He got serious again, "If I never get a chance to say this Captain, let me do so now. I can't imagine my life and this journey without you and I am glad that you did decide to ask us to join your crew. I don't think that anything else in my life will compare to serving as your first officer on this mission. What we have seen in seven years, is more than Starfleet has seen in seventy….." his voice trailed off and it underscored the wonder that he felt as he was lost in the memories.

He pulled her in right along with him, "Maybe…."She began lost in her own world, "But we both know that it's the people more than the phenomena that have made journey what it is, that is if the senior staff is any indication.

Chakotay turned to her suddenly and snapped out of his revere…….

* * *

_**Then:**_

"It's not 'what,' it's 'who.' People like Seven of Nine, a Borg Drone who'll become a member of this crew after you help her recover her humanity. Or Tom Paris, a former convict who'll be our pilot, chief medic, and husband to B'Elanna Torres." Chakotay explained forcibly. He had to let her know the impact that she would have on so many lives, especially one…..especially his.

"That angry woman I just met?" Kathryn asked in wonder

"She's going to be your Chief Engineer. Two crews…Maquis and Starfleet….are going to become one. And they'll make as big a mark on the Delta Quadrant as it'll make on them. By protecting people like the Ocampans, curing diseases, encouraging peace. Children like Naomi and Icheb are going to grow up on this ship and call it home. And we'll all be following a Captain who sets a course for Earth and never stops believing that we'll get there."

* * *

_**Now:**_

His smile was the widest that she had ever seen on his face and it prompted the thought,

'_What happened to him tonight!'_

But she knew better than to ask.

"Well on that note, I think I'll say goodnight." She got up to leave.

As was customary of late, he put his hand on her face to signal his goodbye. What was _not_ customary of late was what she felt when he did that.

Kathryn held herself rigid through everything, his touch, her heart pounding, her body reacting and her desire to scream. She forced a smile on her face. How could he_ not_ notice? She looked at him closely, he was there looking at her, but still looking back.

"Good-night my best friend."

"Good night Chakotay." Her smile was soft and it was genuine, and thankfully it hid her true feelings.

She turned to leave. As she reached the door she spied something.

"Chakotay, do you want the rest of this?"

"Nah, enjoy it." she gave him a quick smile and left.

* * *

She waited until she was in her quarters next door and then Kathryn counted to five before exhaling and letting all the emotions that she had been kept bottled up during their conversation fly across her face. She was shy, she was angry, she was touched and she was hurt and she was amazed that all these emotions were present that night. What happened seemed not only to affect him, but to affect her as well. The other thing she realized is that towards the end, she actually stopped obsessing over what had happened that night that she didn't know about and started obsessing with what was going on with her. She sighed and poured herself another drink of ale. She took a sip and put the glass down and picked up the empty bottle that they had consumed before the other one was opened. She had meant to put it to recycle, but as she walked to the replicator, she was struck with a sudden urge and she threw it across the room. It shattered. She didn't know why but she felt much better when it did.

In two seconds the chime sounded.

'So much for sound proof walls.' She mused. She started laughing.

"Come in." She said through her giggles.

Of course it was he, with a concerned look on his face. "Kathryn, everything all right?"

"Yes, I tripped over my replicator and I'm afraid that the empty bottle brought it."

It was the first time that she had lied to Chakotay and she made a vow for it to be the last time.

"I guess, I should assemble this jigsaw."

"Nah, leave it a mess to tomorrow and then let Engineering solve it. Or try it yourself in the morning, you'll have a fresh start and a fresh perspective to the problem and will come up with a way to solve it."

"You sure about that?" He was puzzled. The way she said it, he didn't think that she was talking about the replicator.

"You always do." He answered and her smile was quirky as she regarded the replicator pieces.

"That I do." She said finally and he noted the look of resolution on her face

He left, and stopped short in the corridor. Something had gone on tonight that he didn't know about as surely as she didn't know about his experiences in the past. His brain was needling him, because he was sure that the answer was right in front of him, but it eluded him. But then again, tomorrow was another day in the Delta Quadrant, perhaps when awoke afresh the answer would come to him.

The End:

**Part 24: The Book of My Life.**

TM: The expression Review Boy's making in his reviews ( Thanks Jim for all the laughs you've given me over the seven years that we Trekked through the stars with the Auburn-Haired Java Queen.


End file.
